whatiscolor:part1:conceptredefined

So I decided to try painting. Meisha did too -hopefully we'll be graced with her amazing talent soon (no kidding, she's quite amazing). I've never really painted (aside from a random fingerpainting night) and found it ridiculously enjoyable. I have a feeling there will be many more to come. Also, the quality of the pics kinda suck -I have no idea how to take pictures of paintings. I think it looks a lot cooler in person, so if you want to see it, you actually have to hang out with me at my house.

For more detail, go here ------> http://su.pr/2Ez5Fj

This is a video. Watch it. Enough said.

A storm's a brewin'.....

Watch for the ripples ;)

What do you see?

Found this video and thought it to be extremely cool. Good timing and made me feel better about life :) No clue how he did this, but I like it. Just a reminder for the forgetful, remember to turn off the music player on the right. Also, full screen mode is recommended. Hehe.

Reality of Mine

It seems I felt a need to do a little inner self exploration and a lot of self-bashing. If you prefer not to read someone else's negative self talk and profanity, just don't read this post. Have a lovely day.

Somehow I find myself experiencing a great self-loathing at this moment. And for some reason, it seems I feel the need to share that feeling of self-loathing with the "world".

The problem I seem to be facing is that I've devoloped the incredible gift of "bullshitting". Lately, my life seems to have been fueled by a continual addiction to self improvement. I've spent much of the last year and a half in a very selfish place. I've burned myself out on "self help" books. I've tried to understand the universe and everything in it. I've even convinced myself that I've created my universe and everything in it. I've tried so hard to "fix" myself that I've fucked up almost every other aspect of my life.

I can't be honest with anyone, including myself. Part of the reason for the bullshit and lack of honesty is simply because I don't know what the truth is. Somehow I think if I continually look within, I'll eventually "find" myself. Because I don't know who I am or what I'm really about or what I really want, I simply bullshit my way through it. I come up with a new project and a new way to work on myself. I tell myself "This is what I want and who I want to be." Only to wake up the next day or week or month or year realizing two things: 1) I'm not anywhere close to being on that path I'd previously chosen for myself. 2) I've once again morphed into a completely different person and don't want to be on that path anymore. And my life changes all over again. Every time I tell other people or myself I want to change or be someone or something else it's always true. At least at that time. Hence the bullshit. Towards myself and any other person dragged into my drama.

My perpetual self-loathing is driven by the fact that I don't ever think of anyone besides myself. My primary thought in any action I take always seems to be "How will this affect me?" or "How can I gain from this particular situation?" I'm sorry.

I have an incredible desire to be there for others, but where does it come from? Most of the time, I think it's simply so I can be the fucking "hero". It seems I only like to help others so I can receive further self-fulfillment through the praise of those around me. I like to get attention. Way more than I like to give it. The rediculous part about my desire to be there for others is the fact that I continually fail at "being there" for the most important person in my life because I always seem to be focused on being there for everyone else, no matter how fake I have to be, just so I can receive my fulfillment.

I withhold opinions. This is done for one or both of two reasons: 1) I tend to allow others to do the thinking for me and don't ever allow myself to think and have an opinion unless I've stolen it from someone else's free thinking. 2) I don't allow myself to be "myself". I cater my opinions based on those around me. This is why most of my family may never know me. I don't think I'll ever be able to have a fully honest conversation with most of my family because I will always have to adjust my language and voiced opinions in a manner that is "non-offensive". I don't enjoy offending others. This is in large part why I flat out avoid it.

I don't really know why I'm typing this and can't really even tell if it feels good to release these thoughts. I don't even know if all these thoughts are really even mine. I should be sleeping. I was extremely tired. Now, who knows.

I find that I become uncontrollably tired during situations in which full communication is required. I will literally fall asleep while standing or sitting up. My eyes become so dry and so heavy that it becomes fully impossible to keep them open. My mind shuts down. My body shuts down. Most of the time these times involve a conversation about someone besides myself. Do other people just bore me? The way to wake myself up- change the subject. To something about me. How sick is that? Am I really that self-obsessed? It would appear so.

I've recently made one of the biggest decisions of my life and it seems I can do nothing but put up road blocks for myself. I start to move in the right direction, then I resist. Sometimes it seems completely within my control and entirely my choice to do such a thing and other times it seems I subconsciously create situations. I am the greatest inhibitor of my growth and forward progression. I like to see myself as fully committed to my cause, but I can't think of the last time I fully committed to anything and succeeded. I would like to be an entrepreneur and an artist and a writer and a web designer and a graphic design and a professional skier and a musician and a world traveler and the list goes on and on, but I haven't fully succeeded in any of those things. I'm starting to lose faith in myself.

I don't think I'm looking for pity or advice here. I think I'm hoping that by releasing my bullshit into physical form, I will free it from within and move on, but who knows. Maybe I'm just stirring the pot.

Demon Kidnappers and Such

Learning Fear

(Click picture for a bigger version)

I ventured out by myself because I had nowhere else to go. The place I was headed called me. I loaded up a backpack and headed up into the high mountains of Mukuntuweep. As I began my hike, I realized I was really doing this alone. No one was here to guide me through. No one to talk to (other than myself). I must have come to learn a lesson. What was the lesson?.....

I trekked past many people, giving them polite nods and testing different smiles. The way you smile determines how a person reacts to you. Interestingly, the same smile you give may produce different reactions from different people. The way a person reacts teaches you a small amount about who that person is. For some, a smile is positive and for some a smile is negative. Others choose to ignore it, or even ignore you.

People approach fear and challenges differently. Some confront it because it's the “cool” or “popular” thing to do. Others are overcoming their own personal limitations or inner demons. When you choose to confront your own fear or death, some people applaud you. Other people tell you how stupid or how lucky you were. Others may even look down on you and tell you that you're being irresponsible. The way people react to your fear tells you about that person. The way you perceive their reaction tells you about yourself and your understanding of your fear.

I walked away from the crowds and journeyed in the opposite direction. My quest was different. I didn't intend to overcome fear. Only to learn from and experience the earth. A few miles into my trek, I encountered a weary traveler. I nodded and he only slightly acknowledged me and continued drinking his water. After another mile, my timer went off. It was time to head back if I was going to catch the last bus out of the canyon. On my return, I encountered the traveler again. This time he stopped me and wanted to talk to me. He was weary because he had loaded his pack too heavily. He was afraid he wouldn't make it to his camp by nightfall. I gave him some advice and encouragement. I also let him know that if he got too tired, there were several good spots to sleep off the side of the trail ahead. He thanked me and I continued down.

As I came upon the landing, I realized it was dusk. If I climbed the landing, it would be dark as I reached the top. I didn't think much of it and started climbing. I was making great progress and then I stopped. REALITY CHECK. I noticed immediately ahead of me the trail was a rock bridge. 3 feet wide with a chain on the left. The sides.... an 800 foot drop to the right and 1200 to the left. One slip at any time during the rest of the way... means death. For real this time. This was the first time I truly feared for my life. Sure, I had lived a life up until this point filled with near death experiences. But this time was different. All of the near death experiences I had in my life occurred during a very dark time in my mind. During that time, it made no difference whether I lived or died. I felt that if I died, it would be a “convenient” way to end my suffering in this lifetime.

Tonight, I didn't want to die. I didn't understand it, but I realized that I wanted to live.... and fear became real. I turned around.

After only two steps, I stopped. I leaned against the canyon wall. The chain here was against the wall and there was nothing holding me back from the 1200 foot shear drop 3 feet in front of me. “What am I doing?” I asked myself. “Do I really want to do this? ....and why would I want to do this? There's nobody here. Nobody for miles. If I fell or was hurt, no one would know. If I slipped... if I died, no one would know. It would just be me. Here. ALONE.” I closed my eyes, gripped the chain, and leaned forward. If I let go, I would die. I smiled and took several deep breaths. I leaned back against the cliff and thought “This is the first time I've felt real fear. If I turn around, I will regret it. Forever. I may be faced with fear again, but it will be even more difficult next time. In order to overcome my fears I must acknowledge them, but not fight them. I must move with them and allow the natural path laid beneath the fears to guide me. How can I ever overcome the smaller fears I have in life if I can't recognize the emotion? I need to learn from fear.” I stepped forward. And moved on.

As I climbed it became darker and darker. I reached the landing just before dark. I sat, and watched the valley turn to black. I watched the glow of the lights below become brighter and brighter. I looked around and noticed the mountains were showing their auras to me. Black silhouettes against a beautifully colored glowing dark sky. I smiled and laid on my back.

“Where is the moon?” I wondered. “I was counting on it's light.” I looked around and didn't see the moon anywhere. I realized something. I was among such big cliffs, the moon wouldn't show for several more hours. I began my climb down.

I sensed and felt my way down the rocky cliff line with both hands and feet. I began inching down a particularly steep section of rock and I slipped. My spirit left my body. It returned a few seconds later when I realized I was still on top of the cliff. “Hello, fear.” I said to myself and kept moving. I made it to the bottom of the landing and felt overcome with exhilaration. I moved on.

I decided to run. I didn't know why. It just seemed like the appropriate thing to do. I hit the switchbacks and enjoyed skidding at the the transition of each, hardly noticing how dark it was. As I came out of the last switchback, I realized where I was heading next....

I entered the dark canyon. It was a black I have never known. The canyon walls rose over 100 feet on each side, blocking moon and starlight; creating real blackness. No man made interference here, just natural blackness. The path glowed through the black abyss that never seemed to end. As the tribal drums increased, I began to run. I was running down the path confronting the world head on.... and I was going to win. As I was running, I noticed a set of eyes in the darkness. Staring at.... me.

“No.” I told myself. “It's a reflector from a sign... or a light spot on the rock glowing.... or an animal... but the eyes are too far apart. And they're moving.... watching. Don't watch them. They'll know you're here. Just keep running. There is an end to this trail. And don't pay attention to all those people sitting on the rocks and everything else you've noticed as you've been thinking about this. They mean you no harm.”

As I continued running and trying to ignore the now hundreds of people I'd noticed around me, I saw something. “What was that?” I said as quietly as I could inside my head. “I began to experience a new energy. One that I thought only existed in tortured realities. This thing did not want me here. In fact, it was downright angry that I existed here. Now. In it's space.

“I may die.” I thought. I decided the only way to get through this was to move with it. “Don't fight it.” I reminded myself. I knew I had to speak out loud. I said “I know you see me. And I know you know I see you. I also know you want to hurt me. I'm just passing through. I am here to learn. I mean you no harm. Please allow me to learn and move along. I'm just passing through. I'm just passing through. I'm just passing...”

Just then I heard “...and we make a road for the spirits to pass over.” And the run became different. As I passed the energy, it just crouched and stared. It's malicious gaze followed me as I ran past. The wind picked up with amazing force and I exited the canyon.

I sprinted down the last mile of the trail. Feeling and experiencing a new found heartbeat. I made it to the bottom. Once again, I laid on my back. This time, staring at the landing from ground level.

I breathed.

And I went home.

Lonely Zion Adventure Day

So I ended up alone on Sunday. I asked myself "What do I want to do with my alone time?" I decided to hike miles upon miles in Zion. Some of it in the (very) dark. I also decided to chronicle my little adventure. Once it got dark, I thought to myself "It's a full moon. It will be bright outside." I thought wrong. The moon doesn't come out till really late in Zion and Angel's Landing is a little sketchy coming down in the dark. But I'm alive and typing. So... look at a slide show if you want. I took quite a few pics, so you might want to look at it when you're bored. Or you might want to look at it if you want to procrastinate. It's up to you. And sorry for all the cheesy pics of myself taken by myself. My mom says just nature pictures are boring. "They need people in them." She says. So Mom, there's people in these nature pictures.

The Healer

PLEASE READ FIRST!

The above story was taken from an automatic writing session done at 3:00am on 6/8/9. It's a little weird, I didn't know what was written until I re-read it later that day. It's a little long and, should you choose to read it, I suggested you consider the "IMPORTANT MESSAGE" on the right side of this page. Proceed with caution.

Clarity, Creation and Choice

Last night, I came in to a moment of clarity. It was beautiful. I could see and feel and experience more than I ever dreamed possible. I started regressing in to old childhood memories. Some good. Some bad. I remembered slide shows growing up and remembered memories of pictures shown in those slide shows. I remembered when those slide shows stopped. I remembered getting sick. I remembered fainting. I realized that last night was the first time I've ever sat in a "crowded" room and didn't feel threatened, on singled out, or horrified beyond description. I just felt observed. But why? They were there to see the same thing I was there for. A moment of clarity.

Realizing there is energy in water makes it real. Realizing that water is not the only energy in the world makes the air real. Realizing the air is not the only energy makes smoke real. Realizing that the smoke is of the same energy and has a creator makes the coal and the spark real. What an amazingly minute cluster of combustible energy! Realizing that the spark is of the same energy means creator and created are of the same energy. Realizing the spark is not the only energy makes the entire world real.

Later, I realized there was a familiar energy in the room. The events surrounding the realization of that energy are so blurry, I cannot recount them. I also do not know if this familiar energy was from within or without, or if it matters.

I was overcome with a wave of sickness. I tried to convince myself I had the will to push through it. I tried to convince myself that sickness can be purely mental and with enough thought, the mind can overpower the body. I tried. But I was forcing. I was an immovable force. The choice had been made (from within or without makes no difference, either way the choice was mine). I decided to stop fighting. I decided to let come what may.

I threw up. I laid in bed. I spiraled in to darkness. And sleep.

More to come.

The Vibram Experiments - Part 3 - Pine Creek

We actually had a real adventure today! We hiked (and swam and rappelled and climbed) Pine Creek in Zion today. May I be the first to say that I feel my (and especially Meisha's) hardcore level jumped a few notches today. Ok, so I'm not really that cocky, but we really had a lot of fun and the sights we saw today were absolutely breathtaking. Because we were swimming and in water most of the time, we could only take a cheap little disposable camera. So sorry, the pictures are quite poor and grainy. We'll have to figure a way to get the good camera through next time. Either way, without further adieu, the pics:

Meisha. Posing. Before things got cold and wet.

This is Kevan. He works with me. At Stephen Wade. He's doing something with the rope. I believe I took this picture because the sunlight in front of him looked much cooler in person.

Meisha and me trekking through the waters, looking as official as possible.

Here we are again, making a bold attempt to show off our coolness.

Meisha. Fresh after a very nice rappel. She came down from up where the light is shining through. I took some really amazing shots of her coming down, but alas, it was too dark and they didn't turn out :(

This is Kevan again. He standing found the only patch of sunshine and is desparately trying to warm up. That water was seriously cold.

This is the last rappel out of the 6 or so (can't quite remember) that we did. It was awesome. 80 foot freefall into a really cool cavern. I wish I would have taken some pics from the top. You're literally coming of the top blind and don't see what you coming in to until you drop in.

Here's Meisha again. Exhibiting her amazing rappelling skills.

Me. Looking very excited. The hike out was not nearly as fun and exciting. Still, some very cool scenery and I picked up a sweet sunburn on my neck.

That's it. Thanks for looking =}

Namaste.

It's been far too long.....

since I've written anything on this blog. Over a month in fact. Is it because I'm not that optimistic anymore? Is it because I've undergone whatever change I've been looking for? Is it just because I like cookie dough? or eggs? or Cheeze-Its? or....... I think I'll just write something. Soon. Not this. Something else. Soon. Stay tuned. Be patient. Or don't be. It's up to you.

Happy (LATE) Mother's Day.

I drew (or painted or manipulated or discombobulated or something) this picture and framed it for my Mom for Mother's Day. I know it's a little late, but hey, we just saw her last weekend and gave it to her then so it's ok, right? Right.

WOOD. Watch. Now. Yes. You.

Found this video today. Seriously...... frickin'...... awesome.
(Don't forget to turn my blog's music player off before you watch it. It might be an all-too-interesting meshy montage of music).

Enjoy.

The Vibram Experiments - Part 2 - Angel's Landing

Hey there everybody! I'm back with another grand adventure! This morning I decided to put my new goofy shoes to the test and hike Angel's Landing in Zion. If you got too scared by the rappelling pics, you might want to stop scrolling - Dallin, you might to triple unpeel you eye lids. Without further delay, here are some cheesy cell phone (didn't bring the good camera) pics for you eye balls to feast upon:

Here's what Angel's Landing looks like from the ground

Looking off a little more than half way up.

Taking a sit and chill break just a little before the top.

A view looking back on were I'd come from (you hike right along the ridge next to the cliff).

Here it is! The top! (insert ominous choir sounds here)

Ridiculous self portrait attempt #1 (Unsuccessful)

Ridiculous self portrait attempt #2 (Semi-successful)

Looking over the edge from the top.

Some nice European girls played "You take my picture, I'll take yours." with me. This is the result.

You made it! And you're in one piece. You didn't fall! You and I are now both better people.

And there you have it! The thrills, the chills, the smiles, the feet. Thanks for coming along with me on the pictorial reenactment. I sure have had fun. How about you?

P.S.- I did the whole hike in 2.5 hours (total up and down). I share this fact with you because it makes me feel special. And hardcore. And..... I guess that's it.

The Vibram Experiments - Part 1 - Rappelling

So I'm planning on doing a canyoneering hike in Kolob Canyon in a few months with Kevan (a coworker of mine). It will consist of rappelling down waterfalls, jumping off cliffs, swimming, lots of hiking and a rope climb up a 400 foot cliff to get out. Exciting much? Yes.

Well Kevan invited us to do a practice run at Red Cliffs today and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity for us to test out our new Vibrams (funky monkey toe shoes). All I can say is that they are fantastic! They grip the rocks unbelievably well and really make it fun.

And guess what? We took pictures! Go figure. Here they are. Look at them. Now. If you're not scared.Me on top of a cliff. Do I look good?

Here I go.

Aaaawwww. Look at Meisha in here funky monkey feet. :)

She's so hardcore. Notice the little people standing on the road below. It give a good idea of how high we were.

Meisha. Workin' it like a pro.

Hey! This is fun? Who woulda thought?

Still so hardcore.

About 2/3 of the way down.

Did I just come down that?

Practicing the rope climb. I was tired after 10 feet. On the big hike I get to do 400. Workout time anyone?

Trying to look like a pro rock climber. Did it work?

That's it. Thanks for looking.

4 AM Rant?

I would.

If I could.

But I'm tired.

So I'm going to bed.

This is all you get.

Good night.

Or morning?

:P

PLUS:

Check out the band playing on my playlist.

They're called Agalloch.

I like em.

However,

If you're going to listen to the song,

You must have at least a 9 minute attention span.

OR

You must open a new tab and allow the song to play

While you sooth your ADD.

With me.

And the song.

Don't worry.

We'll get through it together.

It'll be OK.

2 AM Rant

I am lost, but not. I know where I'm going. I just don't know the path to get there. Everything feels so right and everything feels so wrong all at the same time. I love my life and hate it. I want to live and I want to die.

I don't know who "I" am, and I know exactly who "I" am. I know that not knowing is ok and actually much closer to knowing the true self than constantly "searching" for who "I" am and what the label "I" represents. I comfortable with that idea.

I don't want to know who "I" am anymore, I just want to be. The problem I'm having is that I find myself not enjoying being far too often. I feel the reason for that is because I don't want to be who or where I am now, but I want to be somewhere or something else as I don't find the present moment enjoyable.

So the times when I don't enjoy the present moment and the times when I'm not actually in it.

In order to go where I am going, I need to be where I am. There is no other way to get there. I'm realizing that I've spent a large majority of my life living in the future (the past too, but the future is where I spend most my time). I create some great big idea or concept or goal and tell everyone I'm going to do this or that or be here or there. I spend so much time "going to" that I never get there.

This time, I want to get there. This time I will get there. If it kills me, I will get there. I'm understanding that the only way to do that is to take charge of the present moment and accept that I am where I am and I cannot change that without action.

Action - I just looked up "action" in the dictionary because I felt an overwhelming need to. The first definition for action is something done (usually as opposed to something said). Appropriate? Yes.

So I have a new creed when it comes to creating my future. Talk means nothing. Talk is simply sounds jumbled together to describe an idea. Written words are just shapes jumbled together to describe an idea. Action changes present and affects future. If I don't like my present situation, I need to act on it.

I'm tired of sitting around waiting for myself to get it.

Manwaring Family Weekend!

Free website - Wix.com

The Ponchos Were My Favorite

So I had a birthday and got older. In honor of the annual celebration of the day of my birth, Meisha and I spent a lovely afternoon in Zion. I thought I'd share a few of those wonderful memories with you here. But first, we also took a (very) quick visit to Snow Canyon on Sunday. Those pics come first. Be patient. There aren't too many. Then you get to enjoy staring at the wholesome goodness that was our Zion birthday happy fun time afternoon.

Petrified Sand Dunes in Snow Canyon. You can walk all over them. Hehe.

Meisha smiling =)

After Meisha smiled, she decided she didn't want to anymore.

But I found an egg. This made everything better. It had 2 quarters (50 cents) in it. I kept the quarters. I actually found a few more eggs with some delicious chocolate candies in them. I left them so someone else could enjoy the chocolates. I decided not to be greedy and only enjoy the money.

As a result of my generosity, the Karma Gods bestowed upon me the finding of another great gift- a beautiful Barbie comb. I beautified my hair and left this for another happy stranger to find as well. Ah, I love me some good karma.

and now....

the moment you've been waiting for...

Zion.

We started off by walking down a trail. My mom gave us directions, but either they weren't any good, or we (I) can't take directions. Either way we found some neat things on the trail. I've decided to share some of those things in the pictures below. Read on.

I'm not sure if you would call the thing I have for trees a fetish or an obsession. By the dictionary defintion, I guess I would say obsession.

Meisha took a moment to look at the big rocks. I took a moment to take her picture.

Then I decided to test out the timer function on the camera. Looks like it worked.

I found a creepy little tree/bush off the side of the trail. I decided that the best thing to do with this creepy tree/bush was to crouch under it and look creepy. So I did.

We were both feeling quite poopy, and almost left. We decided instead to suck it up and go hike Emerald Pools. It's a good thing we did. Things got better from there.

It's hard to look gansta and kissy-faced all at the same time, but somehow we pulled it off.

This is us... looking super cool under a waterfall at Lower Emerald Pools.

This is what Meisha looks like when she takes a break.

This is what I look like when I take a break.

So I was in the process of taking a super awesome ominous dark and cloudy cliff action picture when a rain drop came along and screwed it all up.

I decided to show Meisha "My Spot" at the Middle Emerald Pools. We decided it was prime time for yet another photo opportunity.

This is the trail leading to The Grotto. We were going to do that hike too, but we decided that we'd save it for another trip. We got an annual pass and didn't want to burn up all the good hikes too quickly =)

This is us... standing in the rain.

This is me... standing on a tree. As happy as can be. Can't you see?

Meisha decided the best thing to do at this particular moment would be to show off her rainy hair-do. So she did. And I took a picture. Here it is. Do you like it? I do.

Then we hiked up to the Upper Emerald Pools. At these pools, water falls. It falls off of rocks. It lands on the ground. It gathers into a pool. The pool is green (or emerald). Now you know. Go there some day. See for yourself. Or don't. It's up to you.

In this picture we are standing atop a rather large cliff. Looking hardcore. Because we are. Hardcore. And then we hiked some more.

These people don't know it, but I snapped some super top secret cell phone pics of them. Because I loved their ponchos. There were lots of people who seemed to be very scared of the slight drizzle of rain coming down upon us. Maybe they thought it would get worse. Maybe they thought they just looked cool. Maybe there was a guy standing at the bottom of the trails with gold teeth and he would open up his trench coat to reveal a plethora of ponchos in all shapes, sizes and a variety of colors. Maybe this man made a lot of money from these unsuspecting tourists. Maybe he didn't. Maybe.

The ponchos were my favorite.
P.S. If this just wasn't enough fun for you, maybe you'll have fun looking at the --->ENTIRE ALBUM<--- from the day. (For those of you who need help, you have to click the words between the ---> and the <--- to go there. They're in red. You can't miss 'em. Try it. You'll have fun. It's better than Christmas.